Logs:A Big Deal

A Big Deal
Dramatis Personae Harm, Astrid	2021-04-01 '
Location XAV Gardens - Xs Grounds
From indoor gardens to outdoor, though without the protective greenhouse glass the back gardens do not last all year round. Still, the gardens out here are well-tended and well-worth spending time in, as well. The paths wending through the beds of flowers and herbs and vegetables spread out through the school's back grounds, tended by students as a credit class. Benches offer seating and a small pond is home to koi and turtles, as well as a few frogs. At the far back edges of the garden, a droning buzzing marks a few stacked white boxes as beehives. The sun is shining today as the weather has slowly begun creeping up in temperatures. By no means is it hot, but for those students that prefer the outdoors the weather is definitely turning in their favor. Astrid is hands down one of those students and has learned to take advantage of good weather at a moment's notice, pivoting from studying in her room to heading immediately to the gardens, one of her favorite spots on campus. If only it contained a higher concentration of rhododendrons, which would definitely be starting to bloom back home right now. She sits cross-legged on a bench with headphones plugged into each ear and a skateboard flipped upside down on the concrete below her so it doesn’t roll away. She’s dressed for comfort - black hoodie, alternate-world beige prison pants and all black canvas vans. Leaning forward, she has both elbows resting squarely across each knee. Her forearms act as columns to support her head at the chin, which rests sounds within each open palm. She’s zoned out, staring right through the plants on the other side of the walking path. Harm isn't actually working on the garden beds today, but they do slow down as they walk past the herbs they've been tending, pleased to see them doing well. The hood of their blue-purple-pink ombre poncho thrown back to expose newly trimmed hair, loose brown wrap pants underneath and handmade green leather boots. They look to be about to head down to the lakeshore when they spot Astrid and approach her bench instead. The wave of their hand is only a little hesitant as they come to a stop, then indicates the bench beside the girl inquisitively. As soon as Astrid catches sight of Harm, she immediately pulls her headphones free and lets them settle on her lap as she straightens up, pushing back for a couple seconds for an impromptu stretch. She nods rapidly, gesturing to the open space on the bench, “Hey Harm!” She practically shouts. She almost looks embarrassed by the volume as her eyes momentarily fall to the concrete path. “Man, it feels like it has been so long since I’ve seen you outside class.” Her volume is now at an appropriate level. “How’ve you been?” If Harm is bothered by the volume, they don't show it, only flashes a quick smile and joins Astrid on the bench. "I've been better, but it's not like..." They bite their lower lip. "I guess there's just a lot going on, and I feel weirdly like I'm both making too big a deal of things and now making enough of a...deal?" The uncertainty seems as much about their wording at the end as anything else. "But it's not like anything horrible has happened to me." Their face scrunches up and they add, "Recently. How have you been?" Astrid smiles as Harm takes a seat next to her on the bench. It doesn’t take long for her to realize the music she was listening to is still playing through the headphones and she scrambles to pull her phone free to stop the sound. “Me? Well, nothing new or exciting to be honest. Pretty much the same old here.” She offers up a quick shrug as her smile begins to soften. “That sounds like a bit of a… well, a pickle.” It is clear from her tone that she isn’t sure what Harm might be referring to. “I don’t mean to pry, but could definitely attempt to provide an outside perspective if ya want ?” She sounds unsure with herself and quickly pivots in an attempt to elicit a laugh. “Assuming I didn’t unknowingly cause offense and am at the root of the whole thing, right? Then I will keep my mouth shut.” Harm mirrors Astrid's shrug. "Sometimes 'same old' is nice. You seem to have a knack for finding the fresh side of old stuff and anyway like...'old' isn't bad, in my culture." They blush suddenly. "I mean Chinese culture, not...hippie pagan culture." They lick their lips. "I don't think it's offensive?" Still, they hesitate. "Part of it is just...all the violence against Asian people in America right now. Part of it is...I don't know, like my parents don't get my gender?" Their blush deepens. "Which seems so insignificant next to the first thing, right? And it's not like I can blame them when I barely 'get' my gender." “I try to see the upside of everything. I think I get that from my mom’s dad.” It is a matter of seconds after the words slip through Astrid’s lips that her smile completely disappears. “Oh, yeah.” She pulls her right hand up to slowly rub at her forehead. “Shit, I shouldn’t be so dense.” She slumps forward slightly, letting her elbows rest back on her knees as both arms hang freely forward. “I’m sorry.” Her face contorts between looking embarrassed and apologetic. “I’m not sure I would say that is at all insignificant.” She pauses while looking forward, teething sinking down into her bottom lip momentarily. Her brows furrow down as her eyes narrow in on a plant directly across from her. “I mean… they are both things that are impacting you right now, right? So I wouldn’t call your parents not getting your gender insignificant by any means.” She turns her head to face Harm. “I am so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with either of these things.” She again looks embarrassed, stumbling over her words. "I think that's a great skill to have," Harm says. "At least, I think it's a skill! In a world where everything seems to goes sideways, anything that helps you keep going forward? That's pretty huge." Their head dips slightly. "It's not like anyone I know's actually been hurt. But I just worry a lot, about my family in San Francisco. And I worry about going to the city now. I don't even know how to defend myself." They shake their head. "The gender thing is like. An old argument, you know? But I got my way, pretty much, and now it's kinda like. What's next?" They sigh, the duck of their head more embarrassed this time. "Sorry, I really didn't want to dump this all on you. I should be talking to Dr. McCoy and Mr. Holland about this." Astrid nods her head in agreement. “I’ll accept that as a skill.” She half smiles, wriggling her nose in a failed attempt to push her glasses back up to the bridge of her nose. She leans back again, sitting up straight. “Definitely legit things to worry about.” Again she pauses, finally giving in and using her left index finger to adjust her glasses. “Not having control over so much of what you said makes it worse. Do you think it would help even just a little bit to learn some self defense?” She leans forward again, tapping her knee with two errant digits as of the act will help her think clearly. “Could get a bunch of us together? I know I would definitely benefit from that.” She twists her head back down, watching her own fingers continue to tap out an uneven pattern. “Sometimes old problems are worse than new ones, right? Like, you feel it is something that should be well on its way to being resolved.” She finally stops tapping, saving off the apology. “While they probably have way better world insights than me, I am always here to listen. You never need to apologize for that.” Harm nods slowly. "I think it might help. I want to take the self-defense class, but I mean I'd already picked my classes and everything by the time break was over and it would have been a whole thing. But if you think there's kids who might want to learn that outside of class..." Their eyes widen. "I mean, there is a martial arts club, right? I don't think I know anyone who's in it, though. Or we could ask Ms. Hua, she knows wushu and everything." They look thoughtful, their next words a bit more sober, "I guess a lot of our teachers know how to fight. huh." They nod again. "That's true. I guess...like my parents, the commune, my doctor back in Cali, everyone kind of figured I'd just, you know, pick a gender, eventually." They give a helpless shrug. "But I haven't. I'm not sure if I ever will, and I don't know if world insights will help. I mean, maybe if we had a teacher who was trans?" They sound a bit doubtful, but they're smiling again. "I appreciate it, though. I haven't wanted to tell people here because -- well, like I said, I felt stupid making a big deal out of it. But it helped, to say it out loud." Astrid nods enthusiastically, even starting to form the beginnings of a smile. “I guarantee there are others who would definitely join some sort of self defense club if we didn’t want to join the current one.” She pauses, placing a finger to her lip and tapping lightly. “You know, I don’t think I know of anyone in that club either. I’ll get some feelers out there to see who would be interested in joining and who would be interested in teaching.” Her hand falls back to her lap. “I’ll let you know what I can drum up.” “I know this is easy for me to say, and I’m not trying to… well… you know. But... I guess... do you need to pick a gender?” She scratches at the back of her head. “Like, you know who you are even without knowing exactly who you are, right?” She taps at her bottom lip again, head tilted slightly to the side. “Maybe that is an oversimplification… but I guess what I’m trying to get at is do what is comfortable. At least here you got a good support group, right?” She bobs her head slowly for a couple seconds. “I mean, I think you are fucking awesome.” Her cheeks turn a little flush, but her smile persists. “And this is your life, right? Make a big deal out of it because you should.” Harm bobs their head, Astrid's enthusiasm is infectious. "That would be great. I try to imagine myself practicing martial arts and it's like. Lots of apologies and wincing, probably!" They don't seem very put off by this prediction, though. "I definitely don't think I have to, but it's just like, my whole family wants me to. Maybe they're just going to have to get used to it." The smile returns. "Thanks! I'm so glad to have great friends." They bump their shoulder to Astrid's lightly. "Friends who let me be a big deal sometimes." Astrid laughs as she conjures up a mental image of Harm profusely apologizing. “I have a pretty bad track record at injuring myself, right? Imagine all the possibilities in a martial arts class?” Her laughter continues for a couple more seconds as the quick bout of cheer, though still present in light undertones, is slowly replaced by a more somber mood. “I think they’ll learn to deal with your decision. At least I hope they do.” She cracks a smile, looking back towards Harm as she leans in to counter the light shoulder bump with one of her own. “Hey, you are a big deal! I’m not letting you be anything.”